How to Escape Certain Death: Killer Bees Edition

After rave reviews from my Shark Attack Survival Guide , I’ve decided to continue on with my scary animal escape tactics. Today’s threat: Killer Bees.

Killer Bee.

For those of you who laughed, killer bees are just about the biggest d-bags in the insect family. They’re resilient, tenacious, territorial, and easily angered. So basically, Killer Bees= HOSTILE. AGILE. MEAN EFFING BEES, BATMAN! Oh, and you know what else? If you piss one off, you piss them all off, and it’s anarchy. So basically, whatever you do, do NOT incur the wrath of these bees. Stay away. Far, far away.

If you’re still laughing, according to the highly acclaimed and notable Wikipedia, “stings from African (killer) bees kill 1–2 people per year in the United States, a rate that makes them more dangerous than venomous snakes, particularly since, unlike snakes, they are found only in a small portion of the country.”

Not so funny now, are they? You read correctly: these fools will eff you up. Now that you recognize the threat, I’m sure you’re wondering, “how will I know when I’m near them?”

Well, there are some tell-tale signs. Here they are:

SIGNS OF POSSIBLE KILLER BEES IN THE VICINITY

1. Loud buzzing. A LOT of loud buzzing. Does is necessarily come from Killer Bees? No, of course not. It could also be regular bees, wasps, yellow jackets, hornets, or other flying, stinging, a-hole insects. By all means proceed.

2. A big freaking bee hive. What, you never watched Winnie the Pooh? Allow me to show you:

Beehive

A beehive

Now doesn’t that just look warm and inviting? Go poke it. I dare you.

3. Actual bees in the vicinity. (Um, duh.)

OK, step two. Say you accidentally offend the bees in some manner. How do you make a quick and sting-free getaway? Partnering with wikiHow, I’m going to give you the steps (and provide commentary) to get away.

THE STEPS:

1. If the bees begin flying around and/or stinging you, run away; swatting at the bees only makes them angrier.

-If that’s not a no-brainer I don’t know what is. Seriously, who’s going to sit there and go, “hmm, I think I’ll just stand here and get stung to death,”? So basically, if you see/hear bees AND they see you AND they look cranky, RUN.

2. Get indoors as fast as you can.

-Helpful hint: don’t let in the bees.

3. If no shelter is available, run for bushes or high weeds. This will help you get cover.

-And therefore, allude more bees.

This last tip is my favorite by far, check it out:

4. Do not jump into a swimming pool or other body of water. The bees will likely be waiting for you when you get out.

- OK, what the hell, bees? You really need to sting people that bad that you’re going to wait for them to resurface?? What the hell? Oh, and a little reminder: bees lose their stingers when they sting, which kills them. This means that the bees want to sting you so bad that they’re going to go all Kamikaze on your ass. What jerks, right?

Anyway, if you follow those tips, you should be able to avoid a bee attack. If you HAVE to go near bees, I suggest you wear a protective bee suit and bring a flame thrower.

You know, like the Pyro from Team Fortress 2

You know, like the Pyro from Team Fortress 2

-Valerie

(I do not own the images in this blog).

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