The Worst Rap Song Ever

After years of unintentional searching, I think I finally might have found the worst rap song ever written. And I know what you’re gonna say- “yo, Valerie, I’m real happy for ya and imma let you finish, but Ice, Ice Baby was the worst rap song of all time!”

Ok, so maybe you wouldn’t *actually* make a Kanye joke, but hear me out, because if this isn’t the worst, it’s at least a contender. The “song” comes courtesy of one of my roommates, who had it as her ring tone for a while.  I only ever got to hear the chorus, so I was intrigued. So I looked up the song and discovered exactly what Dr. Dre’s personal hell might sound like. The title of this “song” by the way, is “Bedrock.” Let’s bust out these funky rhymes, shall we? Here’s the music video:

After Lloyd’s unfortunate speech impediment at the beginning of the song, we get on to what is usually the good part, aka Lil Wayne. So I’m like “yeah, Weezy! Drop some crazy ass freestyle and yell “young money” and “Weezy F Baby” and shit!” And he usually does. But not this time. Oh no, instead we get shit like, “I keep her runnin back and forth- soccer team” and “I’m attracted to her for her attractive ass.” Brilliant.

But it totally gets worse, cause now we have to listen to some D bag called “Gudda Gudda,” who not only has the shittiest rap name ever, but has a speech impediment just like his homie Lloyd up there who dropped his vocals on the intro and choruses. I’m gonna go ahead and ignore the fact that he rhymes ‘wonder’ with ‘wonder,’ because that happens with a depressing frequency in rap. I’m just gonna skip right to the crown jewel of, “and I got her n—, grocery bag.”
……
Ok, can anyone tell me what the hell this means? Cause I’m drawing a big ol’ question mark. Grocery bag? Is it from Winn-Dixie? And if so is it the same bag that Lil Wayne wants “full of money right now to the VIP section”? Cause I don’t think it is. I think he cut up her body and put the parts in grocery bags. There is evidence to support this claim later on. Let’s move along to…

Lloyd’s speech impediment! I’m sorry, but if some guy walked up to you in the club and was all, “I-I-I-I can make your bed rock.” You’d be all, “Can it, nerd, go get me a martini,” or something. You know.

Anyway, the next verse is Nicki Minaj, and she bugs the shit out of me no matter what she sings so I’m not acknowledging her. So after her there’s Drake, who has arguably the most idiot verse of the entire song. Here’s a tidbit:

I Love Ya Sushi Roll, Hotter Than Wasabi,
I Race For Your Love,
Shake And Bake Ricky Bobby

…”Shake and bake Ricky Bobby?” Alright, this is getting my first official “what the fuck?” of this blog post. Cause seriously, come on. But then he talks about how they’re going to “disappear” and that “you’ll need GPS to find her. ” IDK about y’all, but I think it sounds like this chick needs to get her ass into the witness protection program, stat.

Anyway, then we get Lloyd’s stutter again and then it’s on to some scrub named “Tyga,” who apparently has a pretty big misunderstanding about how roller coasters work and prefers to say that he “spoke it” than that he “said” it. Then after Tyga is “Jae Millz” who (guess what?) also has a stutter.

The song ends with Lloyd the Stutterbucket’s chorus with a Lil Wayne voice over reading off all of the names of the people in the the song whose careers, from what I gather, are a stipulation in Weezy’s parole that says he has to help the unfortunate. That’s the only legitimate reason I can think of. The song sucks.

-Valerie